The Night of The Nips

For those of you who find yourselves unduly titillated by the title of this review, let me clarify. A nip is a tiny taster bottle of liquor usually sold at the counter of any of a number of liquor purveyors, both fine and dubious alike. These tiny bottles are 50ml in size, which is scantly more than a shot, but when consumed en masse, as they were this night, the resulting effect can be rather obliterating.  At my work’s Christmas Party, we partook in the New England tradition of a good old fashioned Yankee swap. At the end of the event, I was left holding one of the most jealously sought after gifts of the night: a shoebox full of 19 different nips. 

These were combined with three that I received from Jenny in my Christmas stocking for a total of 22.

All told, between the three tasters; Shoenberger, Ben, and myself, we were about to knock down over a liter of liquor. Jenny officiated the event, kept us honest and on task, and most importantly kept us hydrated with fresh glasses of water between rounds of three nips. Because of judicious application of H2O, the next day didn’t bring so much as a whisper of a hangover. I will list these drinks in the order that we randomly grabbed them from the shoebox and will include a photo at the end of our order of preference from best to worst.

So put your drinking hats on, because here we go:

New Amsterdam Straight Gin – Much like I remembered from my review a few months back, this 80-proof liquor is little more than a slightly citrusy, gin-flavored vodka. It’s not unpleasant, but not amazing, and certainly not a gin for gin-lovers.

Smirnoff Passionfruit Vodka – Smells like tropical punch kool-aid with a hint of passionfruit and aspartame. The taste by itself was, as Shoenberger described it “Not much fun”. While this liquor could be combined with some strong fruit juices to make a passable tropical cocktail, the poor showing by this flavored vodka would beg the question “why use it at all?”

Romano Sambuca – This black-jellybean-flavored liquor was a crowd pleaser. The thick mouthfeel and sweet taste, combined with the solid 42% alcohol, both numbed the mouth and awakened the senses. We all decided that this was a great bottle to have on hand for sharing with friends, either straight up, or with espresso and a twist of lemon zest.

Seagram’s Sweet Tea Vodka – While we all loved the idea of this liquor, Seagram’s execution was a little off, where the drink lacked both in the strength of the tea flavor as well as the sweetness. We would still gladly have a bottle of this on hand to mix with lemonade or sour mix to make a killer Arnold Palmer.

Smirnoff Pomegranate Vodka – This vodka, 70-proof like all of the flavored Smirnoff offerings of the night, was disgusting. It tasted nothing like pomegranate but instead like dusty cherry medicine. This was, by far, the worst flavored vodka of the night.

Wild Turkey American Honey – Two words: Damn Good! This is a new take on honey liquor for us, where most of the honey liquors we’ve had in the past are based off of vodka, this one is actually a flavored bourbon. American Honey has a thick and pleasantly sweet mouthfeel and, as Shoenberger so aptly put it, “I could have drunk glass after glass of this and I’m upset by the fact it’s gone”. We also decided that a bottle of this liquor would make a truly superior housewarming gift.

Margaritaville Gold Tequila – As a man who has had a fair amount of tequila in my day, I can safely say that this is the worst tequila I have ever had, even narrowly edging out the dubious Pepe Lopez. It lacks all the best elements of decent tequila while accentuating all the worst elements of budget tequilas. Avoid this swill at all costs.

Absolut Mango – The smell of this vodka was notable at arm’s length. The scent was a lot stronger than the other flavored vodkas, but the flavor was a lot more muted, you could taste the actual vodka over the flavoring.  The effect was a lot more of an infused vodka rather than a flavored vodka. Absolut did miss the flavor profile of mango a bit, but at the end of the night, this flavored vodka ranked pretty much in the middle of the flavored vodka pack.

Bailey’s Caramel Irish Cream – At 17% abv, this liquor was a welcome reprise from the straight vodkas we’d been drinking. While Ben balked at the idea of Bailey’s tampering with their perfected original recipe, we all agreed that this tasted delicious and smelled like dessert. We all fantasized about making a delicious hot chocolate with a slug of this stuff.

Smirnoff Raspberry Vodka – While I am no fan of flavored vodka, I can think of few things I like more than mixing Smirnoff Raspberry with Apple Cider. It is delicious! The raspberry smell is an obviously fake one, but the flavor is balanced and pleasant making this offering one of the best flavored vodkas we drank this night.

Captain Morgan 100-Proof Spiced Rum – While we had all experienced 100-proof rums before, as well as normal 80-proof Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum, this was the first time we had tried the 100-Proof Captain Morgan Spiced Rum. The smell was like vanilla and rubbing alcohol, but the flavor was fairly decent, but there was too much vanilla for a proper balance of flavors. The mouthfeel was much thicker than we figured it would be and as we struggled to think of a mixer that would work for this liquor, Shoenberger suggested cream soda, and we all resoundingly agreed.

DonQ Cristal Rum – What can I say about this Puerto Rican rum? It tastes like no rum I’ve ever had… mainly because it doesn’t taste like rum at all. This is one of the most neutral spirits I have ever run across. I can understand its popularity, but only among people who don’t like to taste the booze in their cocktails. By itself the smell is a little sharp and the taste is very clean, with a slight background smell of an unwashed armpit. Had I not been told that this was rum, I would have instead guessed that I was drinking vodka. If you want rum, buy rum. If you want vodka, buy vodka. Do not buy DonQ rum, it is a disgrace to liquor Connoisseurs the world around.

Bailey’s Coffee Irish Cream – This was my personal favorite of the flavored Bailey’s Irish Creams, though Shoenberger and Ben both preferred the caramel to the coffee. I liked the strong sharp coffee flavor and the fact that, unlike the other flavored Bailey’s, this one could be enjoyed best on its own rather than mixed with anything.

Bushmills Irish Whisky – We found this whisky to be a bit lighter in flavor that we were hoping, almost as though it were watered down. There was a faint melon rind aftertaste, but by and large we found the flavor profile to be lacking a certain punch of character. I would by no means turn down a bottle of this whisky, but I would not actively seek it out.

Zwack –This 80-proof herbal spirit from Hungary was a new one for all of us. In short, it was amazing. The smell is spicy and complex with a strong flavor backbone of cloves. It numbs the mouth and is very sweet, but not from sugar so much as the spices.  We decided that of all the bottles we drank this night that Zwack was the one that you should be in the biggest hurry to get into your own liquor cabinet. We loved this liquor and I desperately want a full-sized bottle of my very own.

Bailey’s Mint Chocolate Irish Cream – Of all the variations on Bailey’s Irish Cream we tried, this was by far the worst. My biggest complaint is that it really had no business being so terrible. It failed to deliver a convincing mint flavor and even managed to screw up the fake chocolate flavor. The tastes never quite mesh and it is, on the whole, disappointing.

Smirnoff White Grape Vodka – The smell of this vodka was deceptively good, like a grape bubblegum, although by no means white grape flavored. The flavor, while not as bad as the pomegranate, was wholly unsatisfactory. What really boggles the mind is how badly Smirnoff has screwed up the flavor of something as innocuous and prevalent as grape.

Jose Cuervo Especial (silver) – While I’ve had plenty of experience with this tequila, after drinking the Margaritaville, this was like liquid awesome. Cuervo is about as middle of the road as you can get for a tequila, but has the right balance of smoke and richness to always make another shot sound like a good idea. Nothing quite greases the cogs of a destructive night like some budget-priced Jose Cuervo tequila. No liquor cabinet should be without a tequila of at the very least, this quality.

Smirnoff Vanilla Vodka – Vanilla is a safe flavor, especially in a vodka. We all agreed that Absolut Vanilla is much better than the Smirnoff, but this was the second most popular of the flavored vodkas of the night. Smirnoff Vanilla has a special place in Shoenberger’s heart as he has fond memories of drinking a cocktail he calls a Strawberry Shortcake, which is simply Smirnoff Vanilla and Strawberry soda.

Hampton’s London Extra Dry Gin – This was one of the more impressive looking bottles of the night, frosted green glass and a sealed top. Hampton’s is a 94-proof gin and it is nasty stuff. It smells like booze, but not like gin, slightly minty, but that’s it. This gin tastes like rubber and latex powder and like nothing even remotely gin-related. This garbage is disgusting and was the worst bottle of the night.

Romano Sambuca Black – The Sambuca Black is a little less sweet and a little smoother than proper Sambuca. We would love to have a bottle of this on hand, but if we had the choice, we’d prefer the classic Sambuca if pressed.

Godiva Chocolate Liqueur – The mildest liquor of the night, ranking in at 30-proof, the Godiva was decent, but unremarkable; slightly fake tasting and very mild. In truth, I have yet to taste a palatable chocolate liqueur. I am sure there’s one out there, so I’ll keep looking.

This was a very interesting experience, one that I wouldn’t mind repeating with a new batch of nips… once my liver recovers of course. I leave you with the ratings of the 22 bottles from worst to best, left to right:

Until next time, this is Connoisseur Tom, wrestling with Lilliputian bottles of liquor so you don’t have to!