The Connoisseurs

Fun with Fourties

It all started out innocently enough, Ben suggested a day of nerding it up with Magic cards and Doritos, but then Shoenberger decided to up the ante by adding 40s to the mix. For those of you not in the know, a 40 is a catch-all term for weak lager or, more often, malt liquor sold dirt cheap (generally 2-4 dollars) in 40 ounce bottles. This stuff is the lifeblood of the poor and very poor alike. These are the tonics for alcoholic bums trying to avoid the angrifying effects of some of the grittier choices available, be it Lysol, rubbing alcohol, or Night Train Express.

Saturday arrived along with a healthy amount of houseguests. Of course there was Jenny and myself, as we live here, add to that Connoisseur Javier, his roommate John Shoenberger (manning the camera and therefore not pictured), Jenny’s brother Ben, and my older brother Aaron. The stage was set and all let out a plaintive gasp as Shoenberger and Javier revealed their haul of 10 bottles; 7 40s and 3 22oz bottles, all this for the price tag of 26 dollars. Martha Stewart would be proud, aficionado of prison wines that she is.

The first bottle opened was Mike’s Hard Lemonade, neither a malt liquor nor a 40, but we wanted to start off easy, and we had 2 to drink. For those of you unaware, Mike’s Hard Lemonade is the original in a family of 'hard' drinks that now include (depending on season) lime, iced tea, cranberry lemonade, and berry. The taste is similar to a lemon Italian ice or lemon sorbet. Compared to other hard lemonades on the market, Mike’s is vastly superior. When I was a budding Connoisseur in Maine, I had a friend who would always drink Doc Otis Hard Lemonade, while the old-timey Medicine Show style packaging was cool, the taste was terrible, very acidic and powdery almost as though it was made from a dry mix. Mike’s hard lemonade, or my favorite, Lime, is always welcome on a hot summer day.

The next bottle opened was also not a 40, but it was a malt liquor: King Cobra. This 22oz bottle was passed around and left everyone scratching their heads, where was the flavor? It smelled a little skunked, but tasted like little more than mineral water. At 6% alcohol by volume, you could say that this barely qualifies as beer.

The third bottle we opened was Haffenreffer Private Stock. The bottle claims it is “The one with the Imported taste”. I don’t know what qualifies as imported taste, but this malt liquor tasted like flatulence and bread. This yeasty brew left a disturbing greasy mouthfeel in its wake. Between the smell, taste, and mouthfeel, this was one of the less popular bottles of the night, too bad Shoenberger bought two of them.

The fourth bottle was Old English 800, a malt liquor also known as O.E.800. This brew pours with an impressive white head, it smells like Heineken, like a real beer, albeit a light beer. It’s a little sweet on the attack and a touch metallic in flavor. This one seemed like the winner out of the group for Aaron, Ben, and myself, and one that we would actually come back to.

Fifth was Steel Reserve, though a 40, not a malt liquor, but instead a “High-Gravity” lager. This is a favorite of Connoisseur Javier when he wants to drink on the cheap. It’s a sweet lager that starts bitter but fades into a caramelized marshmallow center. Although the bottle does make a few dubious claims such as “With over twice the ingredients of normal Lagers”… I mean, what the hell kind of a claim is that? Regardless, this beer found favor with Javier, Jenny, and Shoenberger as their favorites of the night. Shoenberger described it as “not a painful $1.50”.

The sixth bottle opened was Colt 45, the quintessential 40-ounce malt liquor. This was one of the most unpleasant of the bottles we had, it smelled skunked, and tasted like boiled cabbage and pork fat. I don’t know how such a terrible brew has survived on the market for so long, even if you are down to your last couple dollars, avoid this disgusting malt liquor.

To avoid the bad taste, Javier recommended a tongue formation he calls “The Aqueduct”.

The seventh bottle was Saint Ides, another malt liquor claiming to be “high gravity”. It poured with a soapy head and was bit darker than the other 40s. It smells a bit fruity and tastes quite metallic. Though not entirely unpleasant, the St.Ides is not a beer that I could see myself seeking out. The aftertaste is odd, like celery, though Javier thought it was more along the lines of guava, he stood alone on that opinion.

The final bottle of the night was Schlitz Malt Liquor. “The beer that made Millwaukee famous.”, with “Just a kiss of hops”. The beer pours almost clear with a fluffy white head. There was very little character in this beer with a slightly piney aftertaste which I can only assume was their attempt at imitation hops. A very watery and unremarkable beer, Schlitz had the least body of the malt liquors.

For drinking on the cheap, you could do a lot worse than Old English 800, and Steel Reserve. Until next time, I’m Connoisseur Tom, getting drunk on the Hobo’s Choice, so you don’t have to.